There is someone in your head who talks to you all day, and if they were a flatmate you would have moved out years ago.

They have opinions about your face in the morning. They have a running commentary on the email you sent at 11:40 and whether the smiley was too much. They keep a list of everything you have ever said wrong at a party, going back to 2009, and they read from it at night.

Here is the thing about the flatmate. They were not born there. Somebody taught them to talk like that, probably someone who was scared and tired and took it out on a kid. The flatmate learned the lines and has been doing the impression ever since.

You cannot evict them. But you can stop nodding along. Next time they start on the party in 2009, try saying, out loud if nobody is around: okay, and? See how fast they run out of material.